But We’re Family

Before I get rolling with today’s blog I need to begin with a disclaimer because I have family, both blood and lawful, that read these: THIS ISN’T ABOUT ANY OF YOU.

There’s a storytelling convention that I’ve really come to dislike as I’ve gotten older, and it’s that family members who have wronged the protagonist are given unconditional forgiveness and/or innumerable second chances by virtue of being nothing more than relatives. I appreciate its usefulness as a narrative tool but I feel it can be dangerous to take that lesson into real life, because some family members don’t deserve infinite forgiveness.

The trope comes from a kindhearted place, I feel. It’s trying to reinforce the idea that family is important, which it often is, and that your relatives ought to be appreciated, which they often should be, and that giving someone a second chance to right their wrongs is virtuous behavior, which I believe it is. And this lands true for many people. Families are very important and, for many, are social constants where friends weave in and out of their lives.

But for many others, this isn’t the case. In my many years on the convention circuit, meeting new folks who have so generously sharing their lived experiences with me, there are some families who are blatantly harmful, toxic, and abusive. Those same people who would exploit that assumed connection of “family” to stay in someone’s life for the purpose of tearing them down or forcing them to be someone they’re not. People who have proven they’ve squandered their second chances and don’t deserve another.

Stories are powerful and influential, and the default forgiveness that comes with the concept of “but we’re family” is sometimes applied in the real world to those it shouldn’t. If someone is emotionally and/or physically harmful to you, you have every right to cut them out of your life.

The closeness of a family can be formed well outside blood relations. “Blood is thicker than water” is not the original phrase, after all. The true phrase is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” The idea is not that family members are closer to you by default of your shared blood relation, but that you can choose your family bonds and make them stronger than those you share parentage with.

Again, I’m not saying this applies across the board. Folks with healthy family relationships know how fortunate they are. But like I said, stories have influence over our daily lives and the idea that family members, no matter how toxic or abusive they are, deserve to remain in your life, can do more harm than good to a person in an unhealthy family situation.